A few months ago I was extremely hurt by someone very dear to me. A deep pain, one that caused my heart to ache fiercely and gave me reason to cry from deep within. My sweet friend, let us call her Amanda, had no idea she injured me so tremendously. She struggled with some buried pains herself. Her aching manifested in insecurity and ultimately betrayal. My friend expressed feeling deeply justified in what she did and recognized the wrong when I confronted her. However, Amanda did not own her actions, which is where I was conflicted.
She apologized, but it was truly a wimpy apology and certainly not heartfelt. Amanda asked pardon because she figured that was what she was obliged to do in that particular scenario. I had some soul searching to undertake. My heart reminded me that Jesus commands us to forgive our neighbor, but honestly, in my hurt, I struggled to embrace that teaching. I deliberated, did she not owe me a true and sincere apology? My heart cried out to heal and an apology seemed to be the balm it needed to begin to forgive, as well as, mend and recover from the deep wounds.
I genuinely presented the whole mess to Our Lord in prayer and asked for guidance. Logically, I tried to discern for weeks how to best handle the situation because I thoroughly yearned for reconciliation and healing for both Amanda and myself. Longing for our relationship to be resuscitated and made whole, I strove to forgive, but I was unsuccessful exhibiting mercy. My head instructed me to forgive, but my heart would not allow it. As soon as I saw her, my heart hurt and I was overwhelmed by the pain all over again. Sadly, I was cut to the core.
Then, few days later, I hit a wall, an emotional, I am falling apart on the inside and outside, wall. I could cope no longer, perceiving my emotions bubbling inside, soon to erupt. I had been holding back my hurt and tears, but on that day, I mentally and physically collapsed. Incapable of confining the hurt for one second longer, I left my home, bee-lining for the door, quick to escape, as the tears began to flow.
Plopping in my minivan I drove off, not in a rage, but in an empty, seeking respite, kind of way. I did not know where to go, but knew I needed to stop and rest, and just allow the feelings and tears to flow. I was hopeful I would experience a much needed release that would promote healing and rectify the current mess of a state I was in. My inclination was the church, but I was met by locked doors. So, I found a nearby empty parking lot and began to sob.
I wept for the loss, the pain, the hurt, and the longings of my heart, pouring it all out to God. Unearthing my soul strain and allowing my heart to do all the talking, I did not mask my true feelings and introspected to expose the root of all this yuck. Our Lord and I had a heart to heart about the wrong that was inflicted on me, but also the harmful way I was handling all the pain. I was now aware that I was just as much to blame for the current state of distress in my relationship with Amanda. Failing to pour out clemency where mercy was vital, I was withholding love and maintaining the hurt.
I admitted to Our Father that I was unable to bear the burden alone. I had been tackling it to no avail for weeks but now, with God’s graces, I agreed to toil to forgive. I threw my hands up in surrender and assured Him I would diligently devote my all, but pleaded with Him to guide me and lift me up. I begged Him to fill me with mercy, to allow my heart to mend and forgive completely. Departing the parking lot, I was renewed with a sense of boundless hope and an understanding that Amanda and I would overcome this challenging time and recover from the inflicted hurt.
The next day, I fasted for that particular intention and felt my heart was moving in the right direction. Two days after my meltdown, I made a trip to Adoration, quickly grabbing a book, from my mountain of books, on the way out the door. I strolled into Adoration feeling quite focused and in tune, which is not always the case. As I knelt down, I poured out where I continued to struggle. I went on to thank Our Lord for the variety of blessings He had bestowed on my family and I.
As I finished my prayers, I sat and cracked open the book I had brought along. As I read from my book, I was simply amazed at how the Lord works to bring us to the resources and words we need at precise times in our lives. (At this point, I feel like I should share that I randomly read about 20 or more books at a time and grab the one that I feel the Lord nudging me to study each time I settle to read. So, for me to choose this book and lay eyes on these words is truly incredible.) I read, “ ‘the heart that offers itself to the Holy Spirit turns injury into compassion and purifies the memory in transforming the hurt into intercession’ (the author had quoted from the Catechism of the Catholic Church 2843),” and I was intrigued.
I continued to peruse, discovering these words written by Christopher West in his book, Love is Patient, but I’m Not, “pain to become compassion, compassion to become prayer, and prayer to become love.” ‘Yes, Lord!’ I wanted to shout, ‘But how?!?’ And then, I read on as West described an internal wrestling he had experienced over slander by someone close to him. ”Then, in a kind of whisper I sensed in my heart, I felt Jesus saying to me, ‘The pain you feel is the pain this person feels. This person is pouring pain out on you because others have poured pain on this person. I’m asking you to bear this pain, to accept it freely, even welcome it for this person’s sake. I’m asking you to suffer with this person and offer this pain as intercession for this person’s healing. I’m asking you to love this person with me and through me and to allow me to love this person with you and through you.’” I was floored.
Instantly, I recognized this message was sent specifically for me. I was confident that the Lord was challenging me to bear my wound from Amanda silently, without my desired apology, and offer it up to Him in prayer. Convinced I would now be able offer profound mercy with Our Lord’s aid, I was brimming with hope and a longing to love Amanda. I finished the chapter, gaining much insight into how this pain can morph into love if we expect it and believe it.
As I closed the book, I thought, ‘I should check to see what page those words are located on, so I can reference them whenever I feel the need.” I flipped back through the chapter and located the carefully underlined words, I glanced at the page number, shocked and overjoyed, to see that Our Lord had placed these words on page 77. Yes, 77, as in forgive each other “seventy- seven times” (Matthew 18:22) Seven, a number that signifies boundlessness. I had referenced this passage as forgiving seven times seventy-seven to a dear friend only days before as we discussed her need to continually forgive a repeated offender. And now, God was assuring me of the importance of this passage and command. “Then Peter approaching asked him, ‘Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times.” (Matthew 18:21-22)
So where does this leave you and I? How are we to forgive our offenders seventy-seven times? The answer is simple sister, we are to forgive through His graces and mercy. We cannot overcome our hurt and injury independent of the Father who loves us. Deliver this pain to Him and allow Our Lord to perform through each of us, unleashing His forgiveness and mercies on those who have harmed each of us. Turn to God and share with Him from the depths of who you are, from your core, all the pain you are grappling with and the ways your heart has suffered and aches. And then, ask Him to enter into these wounds and heal them, because He can and He will.
Giving it all over to God will free you to forgive and allow you to be the friend and woman He is asking you to be in this very difficult moment. But you cannot hold on, not even a little bit. It is imperative that you relinquish the grievance and agony to His loving hands.
Call to Act: So ask yourself, who is He asking you to offer mercy to right now? Who in your life has caused your great strife? Where does your heart hurt most deeply? Take this to prayer and then when you are ready, turn it all over to Him. Pour it out. He understands your pain and He can bear it. Then friend, you must beg for God’s mercies and graces to be released into your heart and your being. Healing and renewal will follow. Through Christ all things are possible. “I have the strength for everything through him who empowers me.” (Philippians 4:13) We are on this journey together with Him, sister. We are not alone. Turn to God and He will grant your heart rest.
Saint Paul, pray for us that we may open our hearts to forgiveness and love. Help us to speak the truth with charity and bear our burdens with strong, courageous hearts. Ask Our Lord to allow us to pour out His mercy and love, especially to those who have injured us so deeply. Pray that we may persevere in compassion and seek Him to aid in our healing and understanding. We ask this through Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior, Amen.
(And my kiddos, of course!)
Saint Paul
St. Paul became one of the most zealous followers of Jesus, after beginning his life as a tax collector and great sinner, even killing those who chose to follow Jesus. An angel of the Lord appeared to Saint Paul, then known as Saul, literally knocking him off of his horse and blinding him, while on his journey to collect taxes in a nearby town. The Lord had mercy on Paul, healing him after Paul conceded to carry out what the Lord asked of him. This was a life altering experience for Paul. St. Paul then began his work of reaching out to sinners, sharing his story, Christ’s love, and the Truth. St. Paul went on to become one of the most well known missionaries for Christ, converting Christians everywhere he traveled and through encouragement conveyed in the letters he crafted to followers in numerous towns. These inspired writings became several books in the Bible. Read more about him here.
This was beautiful and inspiring! Thank you Sarah for sharing. Xoxo, Angie
I am so glad you found it helpful. I am blessed to share my journey with you:) God bless!