“It was not you who chose me, but I who chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit that will remain, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name he may give you.” John 15:16. This is a verse that pained me ever so deeply as I waded through my daily battle with infertility. It weighed on my heart nearly every second of each day for nearly ten years. I struggled to make it through the day without tears filling my eyes. Baby showers infallibly made me curl into a fetal position and cry out to Our Lord, pleading for an infant, “fruit”, in my womb. Mothers with infants, who ignored their baby’s cries or neglected to care for them properly made me shake my fists at Heaven. Sadness, rage, and a deep disappointment filled my heart, tears puddled at my feet more often than I would like to admit, and a sense of injustice plagued me.
I thought it was a fruitless battle. Feeling the pain of my barrenness and longing to conceive, my mind was consumed by my desire for conception. I longed to feel the movement of a little one inside my womb. Though I had been blessed to carry my son and he romped at my feet, I yearned to bring more life into this world in the form a little human. Sure, we could adopt, and we did follow that noble and distinct call, but my heart cried out, my womb beckoned Heaven for the gift of life inside it. Didn’t being a woman also mean my loins should be able to bear life inside them?
Somewhere along the way, I realized both my namesakes had been barren as well. I identified with them in this cross. My secondary infertility made me bellow guttural cries like I had never produced in my life. Sarah and Elizabeth must have felt the same heart-wrenching pain. They too, must have groaned and cried to Our Lord, begging for fruit, for children.
When my cries were not answered after ten long years, I succumbed and accepted my barrenness, my brokenness, my infertility. Deciding to resign and wave my white flag, I stopped fighting and acknowledged once and for all that I was infertile. It was a part of who I was and who I was created to be.
Being barren is part of the fullness of who I am. God created me this way. There is beauty in my infertility. My womb did bear fruit by being barren, through adoption. Without my lifeless womb, my girls would not have been born into my life. That is the beauty. The Lord brought life out of something seemingly lifeless. He stirred into being three beautiful girls who He gave to me through adoption. My daughters are the gifts of my barrenness.
And life continues to spring forth. The Lord has created me to be in this place. He has called me to be an adoptive mother through the gift of my infertility. He allowed my barrenness to bless me, not curse me. God gave me this cross to bear to be a blessing to others. My lifeless womb blesses the world by all that it speaks. It speaks to my ‘yeses’ to life and to children. It speaks to my openness to His will and seeking what He asks of me, no matter how challenging the journey, the obstacles, or the hoops I must manage and overcome.
My infertility provides me countless opportunities for growth and allows me to see the need for trust in Our Lord. Infertility has helped me to learn to lean into Christ, cling to Him, and be a witness to my faith. Barrenness has forced me to be raw and real, as well as to experience the Lord’s tenderness, love, and mercy. My eyes have been transfixed on Christ, with my hand is in His. He has walked with me on this journey. The Lord has made His presence known and His love real. I was never alone. Christ is always there. He allows my suffering because He knows the fruits that will come from it. He fills my soul with happiness.
“Do not look forward in fear to the changes in life; rather, look to them with full hope that as they arise, God, whose very own you are, will lead you safely through all things; and when you cannot stand it, God will carry you in His arms. Do not fear what may happen tomorrow; the same understanding Father who cares for you today will take care of you then and every day. He will either shield you from suffering or will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.” Saint Francis de Sales reminds us.
My infertility, my lifeless womb, actually contributes to my ability to bring forth life and blossom. This cross allows me to grow and mature and come into the fullness of who I am. Mary came into the fullness of who God created her to be. Our Lady trusted in the Lord’s goodness and did not fret about the small details when she conceived Jesus. She did not become flustered at the change in her life and her plans because she had united herself with the Lord. His will was her will.
In the Abiding Together podcast on October 25, 2021, Michelle Benzinger stated something to contemplate, “Mary allowed the Holy Spirit access to her whole body; physical, emotional, and spiritual. Let it be done to me according to thy Word.” Michelle, Sister Miriam, and Heather went on to discuss how it might affect us if we chose to allow the Holy Spirit full access to every part of who we are, as Mary permitted. All things in us would be conquered by love and the Lord God would fill in the gaps, making all things whole and new. Inviting the Holy Spirit into each aspect of our lives and our womanhood, healing would occur, and we would feel complete. We would come into the fullness of who God created us to be.
Call to Act: Where do you need to invite the Holy Spirit into your life? Where do you need to feel healing, physical, emotional, or spiritual? How can you unite your will with that of the Father? Take it to prayer sister. Ask the Lord to open your heart and your eyes. My prayers are with you as you invite love and healing into your life.
St. Gianna Molla, pray for us as we undertake the great mission of our lives here on earth. Ask the Lord to fill our hearts with a sense of perseverance and hope, as your heart was consumed during your life. Beg Him to send His Holy Spirit into our hearts, filling all the gaps with His Divine love. Request that He heal us in all our brokenness, allowing us to serve Him as He beckons us. We ask this through Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.
Saint Gianna Molla
St. Gianna was born in Italy in 1922 into a large family. She embraced her Catholic faith, finding great comfort in prayer. Gianna entered medical school when she was just 20 years old. Opening her own clinic after she graduated, she practiced medicine in Italy, yet had plans to join her brother in Brazil as a missionary serving poor women. Her unsteady health prevented this. St. Gianna was active in the Catholic Action movement, sharing the Social Teaching of the Church. She fell deeply in love with an Italian engineer and went on to marry the man, Pietro Molla, subsequently giving birth to three children. At just under forty years old, during her fourth pregnancy, Gianna discovered she had a tumor in her uterus. She chose to have the tumor removed and spare the life of her child. Remarkably, her unborn child was her top priority. Unfortunately, upon delivery of the child, Gianna contracted an infection and died one week later. St. Gianna is known for her deep love for children and women, as well as her desire to care for the poor. Read more about her here: https://www.catholic.org/saints/saint.php?saint_id=6985