A few months ago, I had a rough string of weeks. The enemy was hard at work spewing ugliness all around me and in me. I was fighting back but I was breaking down. And then there came that ugly, yet freeing, day, when I got real with God and something inside of me broke. I was able to unleash the hurt, the emotion, the yuck. I poured it out on paper, putting a finger on all the raw feelings in that moment, when it was all right there, easily tapped, drawn forth like milk from a bulging utter, from that festering wound in my heart. I let loose on Our Lord and dispensed my deepest groan, the hurt ingrained in my heart, a moan that came from my soul. I shared how my heart ached and yearned so deeply for comfort and consolation. I lamented how my heart yearned for My Lord but was so bogged down with emotional baggage that I could muster neither the strength or a hand to grasp for Him.
Then, I relinquished the baggage. I threw it at God and let Him see the mess, the mess I so foolishly thought I had hidden from Him. I allowed and even expected Him to clean it up, to help me weed through all the extra weight holding me back and pressing on me. And He did! He was right there with an empathetic smile and consoling glance, assuring me He had been there by my side, lifting me up throughout my struggles.
He wanted to hear. He was so elated I finally let go, so proud of me for coming to Him and admitting my weakness and my defeat. Together we pieced things back together again, but only this time it was better than it had been before because this time I relinquished control. His hand was in it all. His Divine hand and marvelous, matchless plan was woven through my life and planted deep in my heart. I began seeking His water daily and nourishing my parched soul. My life was now guided by Him. My soul flourished. It grew new life and sprouted fresh buds, virtue, values and ideas that had never come to me so clearly before.
“Something happened in my life that ripped my heart wide open.”-Anne Marie Schlueter shares bravely in “Dancing on Disappointment” on Blessedisshe.net. We’ve all had those moments, the moments that take your breath away, like the moment I just described. The time where your heart aches, your mind races, and you can’t seem to put into the words exactly what you are feeling. You just know it is dreadful. You want to run from it, get away, but you can’t. You are stuck in this moment and know what needs to be done.
You need to face this, deal with it, meet it head on. It is necessary that you feel the pain. We must allow ourselves to feel the disappointment, the hurt, the sickness. If we don’t feel it all, we can’t give it wholly to God in spite of the misery. He accepts us not being ‘okay’ with life. God does not want us to minimize our ache, nor does He ask us to dwell there. Our Father does not even beseech us to acknowledge that someone else suffers more than us. He hungers for us to transfer the struggles to Him and recognize He is in control.
We can rest in Him. We can relax because God refuses to sleep! We cannot and should not run from our hurt. It is imperative that we inspect it, refuse to give into hopelessness, and continue worshiping. We license ourselves to feel, choose bravery, and allow our hearts to hurt. We do not try to make sense of it and understand it. We stop trying to fix it and figure it out because we shift our focus to faithfulness to Our Father. “We can experience the disappointment that is present in our hearts and use it as a means to worship the Father.”- Anne Marie Schlueter explains in “Dancing on Disappointment”, Blessedisshe.net. And that is exactly what I did that ugly, yet freeing, day.
I was finally exclusively rooted in Him. He gave me new life that day and continues to nourish all of me, body and soul, even the needs unbeknownst to me. I allowed Him to begin to infuse my word and deed with fresh life, a renewed spirit, and glorious heavenly energy. I have experienced that this spirit is contagious and infectious. He fully rests in me and is present in all I do because I chose to be honest and release.
I sought after what my heart truly desired, God, a relationship with my Heavenly Father that infiltrates all of my other interactions. I talked to Him like you confide in your closest friend in your darkest toughest moments. God is in all that I am. He took care of the yuck, cleaned out the messy stalls of my life, and carries all the excess baggage. He held my hand that day and showed me the way to new existence, life in and through Him, all because I reached out to Him. How refreshing, how freeing, how peaceful, how God!
How mislead I was thinking I could do it all on my own. I needed Him and His grace to overcome and persevere. How foolish I was working to persevere on my own. St. Teresa of Calcutta reminds us of this with her words, “The work belongs to Jesus, not to us.”
Call to Act: In what area do you you need to let go and hand it over to God? Get real and give Him the reigns and control in the gunkiest part of you life. What bemoans you or triggers you that you need to share with Him? Where do you need to allow Him to work out the details in you life? I implore you to confide in Him. Tell him all the parts that disgust you and bring you to tears. Beg God for His help. He is always there, present simply waiting for you to come to Him. Open the door of your heart with a deep conversation with Him. It is truly freeing!
St. Rita of Cascia, pray us that we might be able to turn to Our Heavenly Father especially in our darkest times, as you were able to do. Ask Him that we will have the courage to open our hearts and share our pain and toughest challenges. Beg Him to come to our aid and allow us to surrender our crosses and suffering to Him. We ask this through Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior. Amen.
Saint Rita of Cascia
One of my favorite saints, St. Rita was born to poor farmers in Italy. They would take her into the fields with them as they worked from a very young age. Rare regional white bees were seen regularly flying in and out of her small mouth causing her no harm. Her parents felt this marked her as a special child of God. St. Rita married an extremely fiery man to whom she had been promised. They had two sons, who were also known for living a questionable life. She prayed fervently for all three asking for their conversion and repentance. After many years and some extreme circumstances, St. Rita’s pleas to Our Lord were answered. Both her husband and her sons converted, all three dying shortly thereafter, leaving Rita alone. She had longed to join a religious order and sought after a deeper union with Our Lord. She was turned away. After much prayer and Divine intervention causing her to be led by her patron saints to fly through the night sky to unlock the chapel of the monastery, St. Rita was welcomed into the nearby Augustinian order and lived the next 40 years as a sister. With a deep love for Christ, she received the gift of the stigmata on her forehead, bearing much pain and suffering as a result. After her death, the same white bees seen flying in her mouth as an infant were said to return year after year to the place of her burial during holy week. St. Rita is known for pleading to Our Lord for impossible causes, as she had persevered in prayer in her life of suffering and loss. Read more about her here.
https://www.catholic.org/saints/saint.php?saint_id=205